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Despondency.

Mountains are always a humbling sight. The crust of the earth forced together and skyward, reckless but with delicate care and steadfast craftsmanship. Air is thinner, harder to come by, every breath seems less satisfying. I could get lost for weeks in a town with one street. This isolation bit is killing me.

The gracious three.

Plucked from an atmosphere of constant love and trust and tossed into a concrete mess, I spent my first night on a dirty train station floor. In all honesty, it wasn’t that bad. Far more challenging was the ride from Chicago, the train halted in the suburbs, my mind wandering in the silence. I thought about home, of course, the friends who I wouldn’t see for months, and how much exactly people can change in a year.

In the morning, on our way to Columbus with my godfather, my eyes welled up at the sunlight. I strained to stay alert on our tour of the architecturally unique town, but it was good. It struck me immediately as a place to raise a family, small enough to have a close community but still thriving economically and socially. Although I felt much less like a stranger here than I did in Chicago or Indianapolis, there was still a tinge of distrust in the eyes of the passing folk.

The next day, Santiago and I were dropped at North Vernon with the intention of hitching to Versailles, where my grandfather lives. Not five minutes and less than half a mile had gone by when we were picked up by a grey van. The Gracious Three, we decided to call them, a woman driving whose thick Indiana highland accent made her speech all but indecypherable, a man in the front, presumably her husband, and a young woman in back. They were some of the most pleasant people I had met, certainly moreso than the fuckers in Indianapolis.

The man in front spoke of his morning’s court appointment where he was sentenced to three and a half years in prison for an unspecified crime. He confessed he didn’t particularly care, he drank six beers and smoked a bowl before going to court. Ordinairaly, I would assume he meant marijuana, but out here it’s anyone’s guess.

They left us at McDonalds, not more than a mile from our destination. Seeing my grandpa was long overdue. Despite how bizarre this trip has been, and the uncertainty we face in the coming days, I was able to forget about that for a while and enjoy his company.

I feel at peace.

Lotus eaters.

I’m trapped in a world of superficial pleasures and hedonism, doomed to kill what precious little time I have on this earth. I see people stuck in the same rut as I am, slaves to the same routines and addictions, and their complacency drives me insane.

But after all, why shouldn’t this be the good life? Love, comfort, security, by rights I should be enjoying this. But the thought that gnaws at the back of my mind, the one that I keep coming back to before I sleep and when I wake up, is that there has to be something more. Surely, somewhere out there, there is a place where time is treasured, not spent senselessly. Somewhere where there might be more to life than the endless cycle of work and sleep and eating of the lotus flower.

I can’t find it inside this cage.

Heat stroke.

I am coming home. I am weaker than I thought.

I collapsed forty miles or so from home, due to a combination of malnutrition, dehydration, and poor circulation outside of Klavon’s pizzeria and pub. While I sat on the curb throwing up what little water I had in my stomach, a passing group of people stopped and expressed their concern for my condition. Barely able to speak between heaving breaths, I assured them that everything was okay. One woman walked on and returned seconds later with a large cup of ice water. Despite the fact I threw up every drop I drank, I was able to smile a little bit at the fact that she cared enough about a vomiting stranger to help me out.

I learned one thing today - I cannot do this alone.

The nights are starting to grow colder. Patches of leaves that hang on the tallest branches of the trees are now displaying spotty undersides of yellow and red. A time of tumultuous change is beginning, I can feel it in the air and in my heart. Gone are the days of easy living, of familiarity and comfort, only a shadow of uncertainty hangs low over my path.

I am certain of one thing, though. If I’m ever to get out of here, I will be going alone.

The Streetlight and the Moon

While walking in the road one hazy, humid night in June
I overheard a quarrel ‘tween the streetlight and the moon.


“How could you think, ” the moon yelled at the streetlight from the sky,
“that you can make a light more pure and beautiful than I?”


The streetlight laughed and said, “My friend, despite what you might say,
Any light you cast is a reflection of the day’s.”


With this, the moon diminished and sank into the west,
and without its constant pale glow, I carried on depressed.

A long expected journey.

The sun is filtered through my venetian blinds. Tiny bands of light dance back and forth on my far wall along with the wind and the movements of trees. A soft tapping noise fills the air and the breeze dies down and the blinds fall back against the windowsill. It’s twelve noon and my eyes are open.

Last night, I dreamed that I could feel the earth moving beneath me. I floated above it, watching skyscrapers crumble and wildfires spread, green and yellow grass growing between the cracks in sidewalks. The wind carried me to distant shores and cities, yet for some reason, I was held back. Even though I wanted to touch down, more than anything, something wouldn’t let me.

I hope it’s not a sign.

September first - thirteen more days.

From humble beginnings

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